Well, I am one of those who wear their hearts on their sleeves. And when one does that, there are plenty of interesting incidents to narrate. And mishaps too. And crushes. And the crashes that follow. Most of you might know about my first crush that crashed. This blog is about one other crush. This can’t be described as something that crashed because I knew it was a crush from day one. My understanding is that a crush crashes only when you don’t know it’s a crush and believe its love and then it crashes and then you know it’s a crush. But when you know it’s a crush right from the beginning…well, it can’t crash.  Makes sense? No? Never mind. Not important.

Now, where was I? Ahh…yeah, was flaunting my sleeve. Er…the heart on the sleeve.

It was the day I was supposed to be introduced to my mentor, 3 months after I joined work and had completed my induction programme and various other trainings. The mentor was supposed to…well…mentor me until I ramped up to a stage where I could handle things on my own at work. I had butterflies in my tummy because it was my first project, in my first job after college.

I walked to the conference room where the meeting was supposed to be held and knocked. My manager gestured through the glass opening and I walked in and took a chair. The introductions began and I was introduced to the other 3 people in the room. One of them was the mentor – Varun. I liked the name instantly. I looked across the table and I liked the owner of the name too! He was cute, I declared(to myself). They all talked about scripts, libraries, switches and SNMP. I heard bits and pieces of what was being said and spent more time watching my mentor speak.

 He was of medium height, moderately built, had a thick mop of neatly combed curly hair which formed a neat frame around his rather small but chisselled face He was  fair and had that freshly scrubbed look which makes you want to smell him…er…I mean, you know, just smell the air around him. He looked at me once in a while and smiled occasionally and I noticed the dimple on his cheek. I smiled back displaying my own(as if he would notice!)

The meeting lasted 80 mins and by the end of it I was convinced I had a crush on him. Well, this was nothing new to me. It was that phase of my life where I had a crush a week. Make that 2. Infact there was once a time when I had 8 crushes simultaneously. I had to choose whom to dream about in the night. And it can get pretty annoying after a hard day’s work when you just want to crash into bed and dream of someone and you  are presented with the task of having to choose!

I still remember all my crushes and am “loyal” to all of them! My heart still flutters at the thought and in case of Varun, it flutters a few flaps more because he has those “first”s associated with him – my first mentor at my work place.

But then, I wonder…

I wonder if he knows that I spent half my time watching him while he mentored me.

I wonder if he knows that I spent most of my lunch hour discussing him with my friends

I wonder if he knows that I hacked into his home directory and dug out his resume to find out his birthday, to figure out how old he was!

I wonder if he knows that I had fished out those tiny spinz perfumes and sprayed it on, when I knew he would come to my cube to explain a piece of code.

I wonder if he knows that my heart skipped a beat when he said I was looking very pretty at a friend’s wedding.

I wonder if he knows how disappointed I was when he didn’t answer the doorbell for 5 full mins when I visited his house for the first(and the last) time, to give him my wedding card. (yes, I was engaged when I met him. But when the solidarity of a marriage and motherhood hasn’t stopped me from having crushes, still, could we have expected a fragile engagement to?)

I wonder if he knows how ecstatic I was when he finally DID answer the door, looking groggy, unkept and incredibly cute!

I wonder if he knows how much I treasure those few moments that I spent with him in that huge apartment of his…when he made me a cup of tea, when I stepped into his room and glanced through the books that he owned, when we just sat across a table  and spoke…with me being very aware of the fact that we were alone, and he being totally oblivious to my feelings! It was strange, and now that I look back, kinda funny! J

I wonder if he knows that I went green with envy when he said he adored Sonali Bendre!

I wonder if he knows that I read every word of Jiddu Krishnamurthi’s book, though I didn’t understand a word of it, just because he liked it!

I wonder…if he knows that I am grown up enough to make these confessions. Maybe it’s the age. Maybe its life…or maybe its just the fact that I wanted him to know..

I wonder…if I’ll ever get him to read this!